Pearly Gates

Random Climber Woman: I don't know where the goats are. Normally they're hanging around... Eating my gear, smelling my pee.

Reaction

Adam: Why don't you wear your hair like that?
Jen: Really???
Adam: At least for the wedding.
Jen: [spits wine out nose]
Adam:  That had the desired effect.

Four Door Car

Jen: ... and I cleaned the bathrooms, and weeded the garden and made a big ass pot of soup.  It was a very domestic weekend.

Pat: You know, a few years ago, the only thing domestic about you was that you lived in a house.

Jim: Yeah, before you know it, you'll be selling that jeep and it will be all over.

Pat: Yep, and that's when we'll know that the pregnancy test came back positive.

Portraits

Jen: Who's that guy?
Pat: That's Leonardo DaVinci.  He used to work in the noise lab.

Surrender Monkeys

Roger:  We've been doing this silly French accent for so long that when I hear an actual French person speak, I say "oh, he does a really good one!"

Lunch

Tim:  Are you main-lining turkey?

If I had the credentials, I'd commit myself.

Zana: You said bye to Midway a while ago... status update please.
Jeny:  You're so full of donkeys.  There.  Better?
Zana:  Never another update necessary.
Jeny:  Adam told me that about five minutes ago and I spit my nut ball snack out my nose.
Zana:  You cannot say "spit a nut ball snack"... It just... hurts... too much.  Also, Adam was probably right.

Nomenclature

Jen: Would she be your wife and not "your wife" if you weren't married in drug court?
Don:  I didn't say bitch or ho or mama.
...
Don: I'm still getting used to that word.
Jen: What - ho?

Data Structure

Tim: This goes all the way back an arguement I lost in 1988!

Brown Turtle Party

Kid: Can I have some knives?
Harold: What for?
Kid: To dig up the bones.
Harold: How many do you need?
Kid: Four.
Niki: And you just GAVE HIM four knives?

Opportunity

Pat: Hey, Joe! Do I have a shit job for you.

Wiring

Jen: The he started hassling me about what we do for lightning protection.
Pat: We have that steel overbraid.  If we wrap it tightly around his neck, we won't hear about it again.

Windows Functionality

Joel:  If Bill Gates walked into my house right then, well one, I would have been shocked.  Two, he would have been shocked too because I would have beaten the shit out of him.  And his security team.

100% of the Market

Phil:  99% of the world is stupid, therefore Microsoft will make lots of money.

Hangover Legos

Zana: Why do your bones hurt when you have a hangover?
Jeny: Because hangovers build on each other.  That's why one a month is easier than 30 a month.

Cranky Waitress

Don: Does she need a stickectomy?
Joan: I've got a pair of vice grips in the car.

Drug Court Excuses

#8: I found something in the bathroom and didn't know what it was so I tasted it.

Weddings

Judge Greg: Believe it or not, not all couples I see are as happy as you.
John: Do you say, "see ya later?"

Power Outage

Ray: Yeah, that's just what we need. Great.

Salt Water

Adam: It will eat the sunglasses right off your face!