Sile

Zana: I dot know how she doesn't churn herself into a pool of butter.

Stick Figures

Jen: Hey, don't make fun of my artwork.
Pat: I didn't say anything...  But you call that artwork, huh?

If I were in the Navy, I wouldn't want to tell anyone.

Jen: You were Army?
Mitch: Yeah, I'm not gay.

Dinner Date, part 2

Jen: I can't believe I ate all that.
Phil: Well the good news is you don't look any fatter than when you walked in.

Dinner Date, part 1

Thai waitress: Are you meeting the lady for dinner?
Phil: I don't know if I'd call her a lady.

Dessert Panic

Seth: I think I'm bleeding chocolate!

Wine rep

Jo: Oh my God, that's delicious. Who sells that to you? Oh wait, it's me.

Dieting

Joel:  No salt here; I've been on a diet.
Pat: Joel, you're looking quite svelte.
Joel:  Yeah, well I'm f--king starving.  All the time.

Leaving Early

Pat:  How to tell Pat's 22... going to buy Halo 4!

The Laws

Tim: Ask him about the laws of physics.
Phil: What laws??

Paring Knife

Adam: Actually, you've started this meal with all your fingers. Let's keep it that way.

Breakfast or Offspring

Jen: So Adam has been trying to make Dutch babies.
Don: Do you need a Dutch woman for that?

Translation

Adam: I can speak Flemish! No seriously, give me a few more drinks and I can speak Flemish!

Labels

Jen: You're so strange.
Adam: What does that make you -- desperate?

Samba Mount

Don:  Your account has been disabled.
Mark:  Well, I guess that makes it stable!

Homework

Kelli: Should I send it out now or when I get back from vacation?
Charles: Well, now would be good.
Melody: Yeah, we need something to do Saturday and Sunday.

Yeah, well...

Adam: You smell.
Jen: Yeah, well... You're ugly. At least I can shower.

Paradise MTB

Seth: My skull is more fragile than my ego.

Dishonored

Seth: What did you think?
Danny: it felt good. I can stab people in the neck, I can possess, I can blink. I'm gonna like it.

4th Ave Bridge

Tim:  The railing is just the right height that if you were pushed that way, you would go over the side and land on the tracks below, then get run over by a train.
Curtis: Well that would be a good solution.
Tim:  To WHAT problem?
Curtis:  Am I living too long?  Have I come to the end of my useful life?

M. L. E.

Jen: Why is she late everyday? How hard is it to be on time to your job?
Pat: But look how hard she tried today. She had no excuse yesterday.

Dinner

Phil:  I'm getting hungry.  I need a man's meal: a hotdog and some mustard.

Shift Change

Phil: So Mark went home and you get the overtime, huh?
Don: He charged it too.

Precarious

Adam: You know my life is in your hands. Just keep that in mind.
Jeny: I think now is a good time to have a conversation about where this relationship is going.

Saturday morning

Adam: What's wrong?
Jeny: I don't have any BACON!

Risk

Pat:  It's usually inconsequential. 
Don:  It's almost never catastrophic.

Not Mechanically Inclined

Pat:  I have no idea what kind of oil my car takes.  10W-40?  Is that a type of oil?  It could be olive oil.

FSR Advice

1.) Drive defensively.

2.) Always watch for f-ing deer to pop up out of the barrow pit. (Because they always do.)

3.) Especially at deer-thirty.

4.) Drive defensively.

5.) Because pumas leap across the roads too.  (At least in MT.)

Competition

Lisa: What? You think you were going to get taken out by a wherry?
Jeny: Hey, I know your tactics.

Iowa

Mary: Your dog pooped in your neighbor's yard and your neighbor's dog came over and pooped in your yard. That's just how it was!

Translation

Mark: You know how to say SDL in Spanish? Piñata.

Dressage

Kelly:  It's horse prancing.

Back in TM

James: Well you can't get bad data if you're not getting any data.

American What?

Don:  Your shirt doesn't have a picture of a crow shitting on something.
Justin:  Yeah - from the very popular store American Crow Shitting on Something.

Remote Testing

Tim:  I've not been in a situation where they have a meeting and no one is in charge, even those who are paying.
Jen:  Oh.  You do need me out there then.

Allergies

Jen:  I'm allergic to gold.
Mark:  Are you allergic to diamonds too?  That would probably make Adam pretty happy!

Plaid seats

Ted: Because it was cool in the 80's. For about four minutes.

New number scheme

Phil: Normally we just record channels umpty-squat to diddly-fret.

I meant beer.

Jen: I will buy you a six pack of whatever you want.
Adam: Blondes!

Inhibitions

Chance: I think the lizard brain is a lightweight!

Advice for Kids

Scott:  You're ok!  It'll feel better when it stops hurting.

That's What She Said

Adam:  I just can't get it up here.
Jen: [snort]
Chance:  You are such a dude!

August 6th

Jen: What do you have going on?
Tim: Defending the house from marauding teenagers.
Mark: Ha! I just join them.

Staffholes

Tim: It seems I get a headache earlier every day.

System checkout

Pat: Checkout? We just trouble shoot when things don't work.

Bourbon

Mom: Careful, the bottle spills when you pour it.
Jen: Amateur.

Reproducing

Andrew: I want to have 500k in the bank before I have a kid. You know, like paying up front.
Jen: Yeah, it costs like 280k to raise a kid.
Andrew: Good, then I can have two.

Family vacation

Mom: Thanks you guys, I really wanted a grown up picture.
Jennifer: Then you should have found some grown ups.

Vowels

Adam: They're funny that way, you can usually figure it out. Unless it's aardvark.

Desk Drawer

Gary:  Oh look!  There's a candy bar from 1960!

New Processes

Don: What could be simpler than doing nothing?  I'm the master at that.

Mimosas & Meat Snacks

Arthur: Table for four!!

Pedestrian traffic

Jo: I haven't been hit by a bus in a week!

Give chase.

Phil:  Soon you'll be old too and it'll be like two starfish chasing each other.

Pushy Sales People

Jen:  We've been surrounded!  LMS is over there and over there.
Mark:  Shoot 'em.

The Intern

Jen: Are you following me?
Justin:  Yeah.
Jen: I'm going to the girls' bathroom.
Justin: Be right there!

... And there you were

Hainz: Say it.
Jen: I was just thinking about you --
Hainz: I think about you every day.

Venn Diagram

Jen: You know, every time you're a jerk I go back to that venn diagram that says girls who are pretty, smart and funny only date assholes and I feel good about myself.
Adam:  I don't think that's quite how the chart was meant to be interpreted.

Not enough

Ben: You're making eight cupcakes?

Climbing partners

Adam: Boobies help.

Working together rant

Jen:  Stop asking us about lightning protection.  WE know what we're doing.  YOU don't know what you're doing, and I respect that, but WE do know what we're doing.

Bringing the right food.

Patrick:  Is that a sandwich?
Jen:  Yes.
Patrick:  Why is it NOT the almond cherry chocolate clusters?

Proving Yourself

John:  I'm confident, right?  I'm confident!!
Jen:  No, you're arrogant.
John:  Yeah, but how often am I wrong?

Go Team

Jen: How many of these guys also think you can get a baby in month by getting nine women pregnant?
Pat:  I first thought 75%, but then I challenged myself and came up with 100%.

Dangerous Kitchen

Adam:  Ow!  Did you see that?  Your fridge just PUNCHED me.

Identity

Eric:  Where's the pretty one?
Don:  I'm right here.
Eric:  No, the blonde one.
Don:  Oh!  You mean the one with the bad haircut.

Labor

Tim:  There's always narcotics.

Prevalence

Tim:  If you were to line up a hundred cakes, I bet you only two of them would be gluten free.

Timing

Jo:  Omg!! I just was checking email and you hadn't written --- and then magic boop - there it was!!!

Sweep Duration

Jen:  So this run will finish at midnight...
Tim:  With history as our guide, this run will finish at 11:58!

Drug Interactions

Jeny: What did we decide the rules were for mixing booze & antibiotics?
Zana:  Mix equal parts.  Pretty sure that was it.
Jeny:  That's what I thought.
Zana:  When in doubt, use two times alcohol to antibiotics.

Positioning

Tim:  Since you're sitting there, you want to be useful?
Don:  God no.  You think I want to ruin my perfect record?

Anti-Don

Don:  I can't see two channels on the same plot.
Tim:  I can. What's the matter with you?

Illegal Motorhome

Tim:  It must not be that important if he's taking his time to come arrest us.

Suspension Liquid

Tim: What's the sauce?
Jen: Balsamic vinegrette.
Tim:  Why hasn't it separated?
Jen:  I shook the hell out of it.  I am not gentle with my vinegrettes.
Tim:  I find that easy to believe.

Dosage

Adam:  Sure, enough ether would kill you.  Enough of anything would really.  Like Doritos.

Zombie Flutter

Peter: Any time is a good time for negative damping.

Meta Data

Phil: So I'm making these files for the staff. Is it appropriate to make the "location" field "somewhere over the rainbow"?

Food Not Wasted

Gary: Tim's had grey hair since grade school!
[Cookie flies across three cubes.]
Gary: Ow!  Flying ginger snaps!

IT Incompetence

Phil: Two Robs don't make a right!

Pearly Gates

Random Climber Woman: I don't know where the goats are. Normally they're hanging around... Eating my gear, smelling my pee.

Reaction

Adam: Why don't you wear your hair like that?
Jen: Really???
Adam: At least for the wedding.
Jen: [spits wine out nose]
Adam:  That had the desired effect.

Four Door Car

Jen: ... and I cleaned the bathrooms, and weeded the garden and made a big ass pot of soup.  It was a very domestic weekend.

Pat: You know, a few years ago, the only thing domestic about you was that you lived in a house.

Jim: Yeah, before you know it, you'll be selling that jeep and it will be all over.

Pat: Yep, and that's when we'll know that the pregnancy test came back positive.

Portraits

Jen: Who's that guy?
Pat: That's Leonardo DaVinci.  He used to work in the noise lab.

Surrender Monkeys

Roger:  We've been doing this silly French accent for so long that when I hear an actual French person speak, I say "oh, he does a really good one!"

Lunch

Tim:  Are you main-lining turkey?

If I had the credentials, I'd commit myself.

Zana: You said bye to Midway a while ago... status update please.
Jeny:  You're so full of donkeys.  There.  Better?
Zana:  Never another update necessary.
Jeny:  Adam told me that about five minutes ago and I spit my nut ball snack out my nose.
Zana:  You cannot say "spit a nut ball snack"... It just... hurts... too much.  Also, Adam was probably right.

Nomenclature

Jen: Would she be your wife and not "your wife" if you weren't married in drug court?
Don:  I didn't say bitch or ho or mama.
...
Don: I'm still getting used to that word.
Jen: What - ho?

Data Structure

Tim: This goes all the way back an arguement I lost in 1988!

Brown Turtle Party

Kid: Can I have some knives?
Harold: What for?
Kid: To dig up the bones.
Harold: How many do you need?
Kid: Four.
Niki: And you just GAVE HIM four knives?

Opportunity

Pat: Hey, Joe! Do I have a shit job for you.

Wiring

Jen: The he started hassling me about what we do for lightning protection.
Pat: We have that steel overbraid.  If we wrap it tightly around his neck, we won't hear about it again.

Windows Functionality

Joel:  If Bill Gates walked into my house right then, well one, I would have been shocked.  Two, he would have been shocked too because I would have beaten the shit out of him.  And his security team.

100% of the Market

Phil:  99% of the world is stupid, therefore Microsoft will make lots of money.

Hangover Legos

Zana: Why do your bones hurt when you have a hangover?
Jeny: Because hangovers build on each other.  That's why one a month is easier than 30 a month.

Cranky Waitress

Don: Does she need a stickectomy?
Joan: I've got a pair of vice grips in the car.

Drug Court Excuses

#8: I found something in the bathroom and didn't know what it was so I tasted it.

Weddings

Judge Greg: Believe it or not, not all couples I see are as happy as you.
John: Do you say, "see ya later?"

Power Outage

Ray: Yeah, that's just what we need. Great.

Salt Water

Adam: It will eat the sunglasses right off your face!

HNL-->MDY

Random Guy:  Where are you going?
Jeny:  Midway Island.
Random Guy's Girlfriend:  You're going to Chicago?!?

Remote Medicine

Adam: Please bring chocolate!

Distance Relationships

Adam: It's the abstinence talking!

Non Linear

Doug: If someone gives you autopowers and crosspowers, say thanks but no thanks, I'll go solve cancer.

Nerd Conference

Don:  I'm ready whenever you are...
Jen: Ok.
Don:  Let me rephrase that - finish your drink, NOW.

Church

Mom: Call if you need support.
Jennifer: I'll call Sunday morning so you can hear the service too.
Mom: I've always wanted to be saved.

Hallway Meeting

Jen: Hey sweetheart.
Phil:

Year in Review

Jen: Are you going to be concise?
Andy: Bwahahahahaha!

Fire Alarm

Ellen:  It's the f-ing old people making popcorn again!

EU Travel

Adam: My passport isn't from Berzerkistan, so it's FINE.

A Facebook Conversation

Lori:  Second snow day is starting by cuddling in bed with the dog while answering and sending emails and pondering if I can walk to the mailbox without falling A over T.
Jen: Me too!
Lori: It's CRAZY. I did manage to walk to the mailbox and saw a bus go sliding down 85th.
Jen: And if I had any doubts of still being in my pajama pants, you just eased them. Thank you.
Lori:  Your welcome. I'd invite you to my place for Madeleines and wine but wouldn't want you killing yourself going the five blocks!
Jen: I like that you're not inviting me over because it's "dangerous" and not becuase it's "too early."
Lori: Um...that's what mimosas are for. Come to the Dark Side my dear. I can justify anything.

Novice rowing

Niki: This man is steaming. Sign me up.

People watching

Dana: I don't usually think this city is fat. But then I change my mind.

Rope Swing

Pat:  It was tons of fun!! ...unless you fell.

Trebuchet

Don:  That's a good way to practice for the real world.  You get ahead when you spread the cheese.

Managing People

Katie: I don't usually make them cry.

Coconut

Mark: You got the data?
Jen: Hang on, I'm trying to poison Phil.
Mark: Oh yeah, gotta keep the priorities straight.

Roll Call

Mark: He's not a pilot, he's just a pain in the ass.

Drainage Ditch

Tim: Money is a good solution to that problem.

Cat Pushes Kitten Down Ladder

Andrew: Dad, now that you've found cat videos on the internet, your life will never be the same.

Efficiency

Pat: I'm working on 40% organization. That's about all I've got.

Twitter

Tim:  I never thought I'd subcribe to Twitter.  Turns out there's actually a use for the silly thing.

Sunday Night on Midway

Adam: We can talk any time, but if I don't get to bowling early, I won't get my lane!