Opportunity

Pat: Hey, Joe! Do I have a shit job for you.

Wiring

Jen: The he started hassling me about what we do for lightning protection.
Pat: We have that steel overbraid.  If we wrap it tightly around his neck, we won't hear about it again.

Windows Functionality

Joel:  If Bill Gates walked into my house right then, well one, I would have been shocked.  Two, he would have been shocked too because I would have beaten the shit out of him.  And his security team.

100% of the Market

Phil:  99% of the world is stupid, therefore Microsoft will make lots of money.

Hangover Legos

Zana: Why do your bones hurt when you have a hangover?
Jeny: Because hangovers build on each other.  That's why one a month is easier than 30 a month.

Cranky Waitress

Don: Does she need a stickectomy?
Joan: I've got a pair of vice grips in the car.

Drug Court Excuses

#8: I found something in the bathroom and didn't know what it was so I tasted it.

Weddings

Judge Greg: Believe it or not, not all couples I see are as happy as you.
John: Do you say, "see ya later?"

Power Outage

Ray: Yeah, that's just what we need. Great.

Salt Water

Adam: It will eat the sunglasses right off your face!

HNL-->MDY

Random Guy:  Where are you going?
Jeny:  Midway Island.
Random Guy's Girlfriend:  You're going to Chicago?!?

Remote Medicine

Adam: Please bring chocolate!

Distance Relationships

Adam: It's the abstinence talking!

Non Linear

Doug: If someone gives you autopowers and crosspowers, say thanks but no thanks, I'll go solve cancer.