Avoid A Fall -- Use Handrail

Toby:  Someone must have ate shit on the stairs.  Don't tell me to use them as a gym then tell me I might DIE when I do.

All Day Meetings

Bernie: This is buckets of suck.

Self Help Book Titles

Don: Maybe someone should leave a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" on Mark's desk.
Jen: Or, "How to Not Piss Off Your Coworkers and Subsequently Not End Up in the Duwamish with Cement Shoes."
Don:  Or, "If You Want Someone Else to Help You With Something You Don't Know How to Do, Maybe You Shouldn't Be a Giant Dick."

Hungry

Adam: I need peanut butter.

Cannot Display Webpage

Ted: I repeated the error.
Jen: Yay, I'm not crazy.
Rob: Yes you are.
Jen: F--- off, Rob.

Kamikaze Pilots

Don:  Although they must be inexperienced, because why else would you want virgins?

Home Alone

Mary: Just so you know, I plan on filling out your month of freedom with lots of girl dates, parties, dancing, wild nights you won't remember, etc., etc.

Resume

Adam: Everything is sexier in PDF.

Fall Protection Training

Pat:  You know what they don't tell you about that class?  It's two hours you'll never get back.  Poof.  You can't put the fluff back into the dandelion.

Medical Advice (via text)

Zana: Paging Dr. Adam -- Torn calf muscle (pretty sure).  Mayonanaise?
Jen/Adam: Mustard.  Dijon is best.
Zana: Should I eat it or just shove it up my ass?
Jen/Adam: Rectal for maximum effect.  Applied with a pickle.
Zana: Perfect.  It will only match how I feel.
Jen/Adam: And possibly improve it.

Blinky Lights

Joel: Electricity to the rescue once again.

Training

Jen: I ran across my workout plans from winter two years ago.
Pat: You were much harder back then.
Jen: Now I'm soft and squishy.

Why I love my job

Miller: It would have been much easier if we could just saw a hole in the floor.

Still Working

Ken: Crappy commute this morning.  Add that to the fact that I didn't win the lottery and have to be here in the first place.  But at least no one will be trying to pour cyanide down my throat while I'm not looking.

A Gift for Whitefish.

Zana: I can't believe you hid that f--king squeaky toy in the couch!  I found it and said to Pete, Look at this. No way Gaia put that there. No way it got "lost" there. That motherf--ker was put here on purpose.

Measures of Time

Zana: What time are you guys getting up to go to V-Trees?
Adam: Sometime after Pete gets out of the bathroom.

Zana's interpretation.

Gaia: You guys stay up late and embarrass me.

Greatest Tag Line Ever

Adam: Douchebags - Chicks dig them.

Ski Jackets

Pete: I'm gonna put on my blue jacket, cuz we look like a bag of f--king skittles.

New Year's Hangover

Zana: I am 20% cleaner and feel 4% better.

Sile

Zana: I dot know how she doesn't churn herself into a pool of butter.

Stick Figures

Jen: Hey, don't make fun of my artwork.
Pat: I didn't say anything...  But you call that artwork, huh?

If I were in the Navy, I wouldn't want to tell anyone.

Jen: You were Army?
Mitch: Yeah, I'm not gay.

Dinner Date, part 2

Jen: I can't believe I ate all that.
Phil: Well the good news is you don't look any fatter than when you walked in.

Dinner Date, part 1

Thai waitress: Are you meeting the lady for dinner?
Phil: I don't know if I'd call her a lady.

Dessert Panic

Seth: I think I'm bleeding chocolate!

Wine rep

Jo: Oh my God, that's delicious. Who sells that to you? Oh wait, it's me.

Dieting

Joel:  No salt here; I've been on a diet.
Pat: Joel, you're looking quite svelte.
Joel:  Yeah, well I'm f--king starving.  All the time.

Leaving Early

Pat:  How to tell Pat's 22... going to buy Halo 4!

The Laws

Tim: Ask him about the laws of physics.
Phil: What laws??

Paring Knife

Adam: Actually, you've started this meal with all your fingers. Let's keep it that way.

Breakfast or Offspring

Jen: So Adam has been trying to make Dutch babies.
Don: Do you need a Dutch woman for that?

Translation

Adam: I can speak Flemish! No seriously, give me a few more drinks and I can speak Flemish!

Labels

Jen: You're so strange.
Adam: What does that make you -- desperate?

Samba Mount

Don:  Your account has been disabled.
Mark:  Well, I guess that makes it stable!

Homework

Kelli: Should I send it out now or when I get back from vacation?
Charles: Well, now would be good.
Melody: Yeah, we need something to do Saturday and Sunday.

Yeah, well...

Adam: You smell.
Jen: Yeah, well... You're ugly. At least I can shower.

Paradise MTB

Seth: My skull is more fragile than my ego.

Dishonored

Seth: What did you think?
Danny: it felt good. I can stab people in the neck, I can possess, I can blink. I'm gonna like it.

4th Ave Bridge

Tim:  The railing is just the right height that if you were pushed that way, you would go over the side and land on the tracks below, then get run over by a train.
Curtis: Well that would be a good solution.
Tim:  To WHAT problem?
Curtis:  Am I living too long?  Have I come to the end of my useful life?

M. L. E.

Jen: Why is she late everyday? How hard is it to be on time to your job?
Pat: But look how hard she tried today. She had no excuse yesterday.

Dinner

Phil:  I'm getting hungry.  I need a man's meal: a hotdog and some mustard.

Shift Change

Phil: So Mark went home and you get the overtime, huh?
Don: He charged it too.

Precarious

Adam: You know my life is in your hands. Just keep that in mind.
Jeny: I think now is a good time to have a conversation about where this relationship is going.

Saturday morning

Adam: What's wrong?
Jeny: I don't have any BACON!

Risk

Pat:  It's usually inconsequential. 
Don:  It's almost never catastrophic.

Not Mechanically Inclined

Pat:  I have no idea what kind of oil my car takes.  10W-40?  Is that a type of oil?  It could be olive oil.

FSR Advice

1.) Drive defensively.

2.) Always watch for f-ing deer to pop up out of the barrow pit. (Because they always do.)

3.) Especially at deer-thirty.

4.) Drive defensively.

5.) Because pumas leap across the roads too.  (At least in MT.)

Competition

Lisa: What? You think you were going to get taken out by a wherry?
Jeny: Hey, I know your tactics.

Iowa

Mary: Your dog pooped in your neighbor's yard and your neighbor's dog came over and pooped in your yard. That's just how it was!

Translation

Mark: You know how to say SDL in Spanish? Piñata.

Dressage

Kelly:  It's horse prancing.

Back in TM

James: Well you can't get bad data if you're not getting any data.

American What?

Don:  Your shirt doesn't have a picture of a crow shitting on something.
Justin:  Yeah - from the very popular store American Crow Shitting on Something.

Remote Testing

Tim:  I've not been in a situation where they have a meeting and no one is in charge, even those who are paying.
Jen:  Oh.  You do need me out there then.

Allergies

Jen:  I'm allergic to gold.
Mark:  Are you allergic to diamonds too?  That would probably make Adam pretty happy!

Plaid seats

Ted: Because it was cool in the 80's. For about four minutes.

New number scheme

Phil: Normally we just record channels umpty-squat to diddly-fret.

I meant beer.

Jen: I will buy you a six pack of whatever you want.
Adam: Blondes!

Inhibitions

Chance: I think the lizard brain is a lightweight!

Advice for Kids

Scott:  You're ok!  It'll feel better when it stops hurting.

That's What She Said

Adam:  I just can't get it up here.
Jen: [snort]
Chance:  You are such a dude!

August 6th

Jen: What do you have going on?
Tim: Defending the house from marauding teenagers.
Mark: Ha! I just join them.

Staffholes

Tim: It seems I get a headache earlier every day.

System checkout

Pat: Checkout? We just trouble shoot when things don't work.

Bourbon

Mom: Careful, the bottle spills when you pour it.
Jen: Amateur.

Reproducing

Andrew: I want to have 500k in the bank before I have a kid. You know, like paying up front.
Jen: Yeah, it costs like 280k to raise a kid.
Andrew: Good, then I can have two.

Family vacation

Mom: Thanks you guys, I really wanted a grown up picture.
Jennifer: Then you should have found some grown ups.

Vowels

Adam: They're funny that way, you can usually figure it out. Unless it's aardvark.

Desk Drawer

Gary:  Oh look!  There's a candy bar from 1960!

New Processes

Don: What could be simpler than doing nothing?  I'm the master at that.

Mimosas & Meat Snacks

Arthur: Table for four!!

Pedestrian traffic

Jo: I haven't been hit by a bus in a week!

Give chase.

Phil:  Soon you'll be old too and it'll be like two starfish chasing each other.

Pushy Sales People

Jen:  We've been surrounded!  LMS is over there and over there.
Mark:  Shoot 'em.

The Intern

Jen: Are you following me?
Justin:  Yeah.
Jen: I'm going to the girls' bathroom.
Justin: Be right there!

... And there you were

Hainz: Say it.
Jen: I was just thinking about you --
Hainz: I think about you every day.

Venn Diagram

Jen: You know, every time you're a jerk I go back to that venn diagram that says girls who are pretty, smart and funny only date assholes and I feel good about myself.
Adam:  I don't think that's quite how the chart was meant to be interpreted.

Not enough

Ben: You're making eight cupcakes?

Climbing partners

Adam: Boobies help.

Working together rant

Jen:  Stop asking us about lightning protection.  WE know what we're doing.  YOU don't know what you're doing, and I respect that, but WE do know what we're doing.

Bringing the right food.

Patrick:  Is that a sandwich?
Jen:  Yes.
Patrick:  Why is it NOT the almond cherry chocolate clusters?

Proving Yourself

John:  I'm confident, right?  I'm confident!!
Jen:  No, you're arrogant.
John:  Yeah, but how often am I wrong?

Go Team

Jen: How many of these guys also think you can get a baby in month by getting nine women pregnant?
Pat:  I first thought 75%, but then I challenged myself and came up with 100%.

Dangerous Kitchen

Adam:  Ow!  Did you see that?  Your fridge just PUNCHED me.

Identity

Eric:  Where's the pretty one?
Don:  I'm right here.
Eric:  No, the blonde one.
Don:  Oh!  You mean the one with the bad haircut.

Labor

Tim:  There's always narcotics.

Prevalence

Tim:  If you were to line up a hundred cakes, I bet you only two of them would be gluten free.

Timing

Jo:  Omg!! I just was checking email and you hadn't written --- and then magic boop - there it was!!!

Sweep Duration

Jen:  So this run will finish at midnight...
Tim:  With history as our guide, this run will finish at 11:58!

Drug Interactions

Jeny: What did we decide the rules were for mixing booze & antibiotics?
Zana:  Mix equal parts.  Pretty sure that was it.
Jeny:  That's what I thought.
Zana:  When in doubt, use two times alcohol to antibiotics.

Positioning

Tim:  Since you're sitting there, you want to be useful?
Don:  God no.  You think I want to ruin my perfect record?

Anti-Don

Don:  I can't see two channels on the same plot.
Tim:  I can. What's the matter with you?

Illegal Motorhome

Tim:  It must not be that important if he's taking his time to come arrest us.

Suspension Liquid

Tim: What's the sauce?
Jen: Balsamic vinegrette.
Tim:  Why hasn't it separated?
Jen:  I shook the hell out of it.  I am not gentle with my vinegrettes.
Tim:  I find that easy to believe.

Dosage

Adam:  Sure, enough ether would kill you.  Enough of anything would really.  Like Doritos.

Zombie Flutter

Peter: Any time is a good time for negative damping.

Meta Data

Phil: So I'm making these files for the staff. Is it appropriate to make the "location" field "somewhere over the rainbow"?

Food Not Wasted

Gary: Tim's had grey hair since grade school!
[Cookie flies across three cubes.]
Gary: Ow!  Flying ginger snaps!

IT Incompetence

Phil: Two Robs don't make a right!