Identity

Mark:  Master Mangus.  Alias - Evil Genius.

Coup

Jen:  Did you tell Gary that I tried (but failed) to stage that coup yesterday?  He's not answering any of my emails now.
Don:  I just told him you hated him.  I didn't mention the coup.

Kelvin

Don:  That guy walks around with his own Barry White soundtrack.

IT Guy

Mark:  Asking Rob to do any work is like asking my cat to help do the laundry.

Aunt Peg

PW: Hey kid, no you can't eat chalk.  And if you're going to cry about it, go in the corner, I don't want to trip over you.

PW: I want to show you my new kitchen tools.  [Ball peen hammer & screwdriver.]  Oh, this still has chocolate on it from last time!

Out Sick

Jen:  You gonna show your face today?
Don:   Eh.  Maybe briefly.
Jen:  Miller says he doesn't want your bugs.
Don:  That's the only reason I'd come in.

May Be Bad

Pat: I red tagged your jeep.  There's a low cupcake frequency and I figured it must be related to the delivery system.

Entertainment

Tim:  You can't just have a couple of guys slapping at each other - you need a real fight!  And how do you sell tickets to a mud wrestling match?
Jen: Women in bikinis, that's how.

Towels

Tracy:  Martha. Stewart.
Jeny: That bitch.
Kevin:  Rot in Hell.

Thursday Night

Chance:  I'm so glad you called.  If you hadn't I would have gone to Fred Meyer to pick up batteries for my boat lights, and a pint of ice cream.

Weekend Support

Phil: Well, then let's get Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny to support next weekend because I'm sure as hell not.

Unfortunate Accident

Don:  You want to help me move a piano?

Windows 7

Rick: CRUMBUCKETS!!!

Getting Old

Tim:  I threaten you with FATE!

Making Space

Jen:  I'll have to move these wedges.
John:  Yes, move them to the hallway with the other wedges.  Then they won't be lonely.  They've been missing each other.

College

Mark:  He's the only dude on his floor.  In fact, the only dude with a single room too!  I don't know why he wants to come home for the weekend.  Maybe he's tired.

Construction

Pat:  I will be so glad when they're done with this.  It's so f-ing loud.
Jen:  It will be great - they're turning it into a f-ing park.
Pat:  That will be f-ing beautiful.
Jen:  That's f-ing right.
Pat:  Why are we f-ing cursing?
Jen:  I don't f-ing know.  You started it.
Pat:  Oh yeah.  Well, I'm going to f-ing end it.

Company Vehicles

Mitch:  The Dodge has a check engine light on.  And makes a funny noise sometimes.  But don't take it to automotive, because I don't want to be stuck with the Ball-less Wonder and have to use that.  Especially if we're in a hurry.

Grizzly Behavior

Zana:  I would never give a Grizzly my Subaru.  That indeed WOULD be bad.

40 Years of Drinking

Richard:  I should not be eligible for a liver transplant.

Weekend Work

Phil:  Don't worry, I'll be on call.  With my phone off.

Repetition

Jim: I found that 27 times is necessary for the common person to grasp a concept.

Mt. Cruiser

Adam:  Aw, we should have brought some snow back down with us.
Jen: But would it still be snow at this point?
Adam:  We could have packed it in ice.

Waiting Up

Adam:  That wasn't waiting up!  That was sleeping on the couch waiting for the dog to bark.  Waiting up is watching reruns of MacGyver with toothpicks holding your eyelids open with the epipen poised just in case you do fall asleep.

Working the Holidays

Hang Time

Don:  He could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch.

Computer Upgrade

Don:  Wait, do you have 64-bit Matlab installed?
Jen: I have no Matlab versions installed.  I sent screen shots of the failed installation process to Kung Fu Sonny who is "helping" me with this.

Morning

Adam:  I've already ran five miles and had a full breakfast.  And then I practiced tuba for an hour.  And pulled orphans out of a burning building.  And planted a tree.  What have you done?

Tall cabinets

Phil: Have you hugged a cabinet today?  I was wondering what you were doing - having sex with a cabinet like that is bad for you.  You should at least lay it down on the floor so you can look it in the eye.

Taco Burps

Curtis:  I think I'm going to spit up a f-ing alien here in a minute.

Carniverous Carp

Joe: Did you hear about the electric fence they're building in the Chicago River?
Jen: That sounds like a horrible idea.

Anna Meares

Sile: Have you ever seen such an ass, is that what it takes to sprint like that?  Mother of God!
Jeny: That's right!  You're gonna need some more junk in your trunk.

Group Meeting

Mark: Blah blah blah blah....
Don: He needs to be concise.
Jen: He needs to be bacon sized?

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ADAMS

Mike:  Instrumentation, TD....  Hey, since I'm sitting back here now, what's the command line prompt to start Angry Birds?

Whitefish

Stu: You know, you can use my shower too.
Jen: Nah, it's cool. All three of us fit on this one just fine.

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Riding with Pete

Zana: Let's f-ing attack him.

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Mt. Jupiter

Niki: If loving the shade is wrong, I don't wanna be right!

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We've been here.

Adam: Ah, yes! I recognize this tree.
Jen: What? You smell yourself on it?

Tapeworm

Adam: The truth is you cam always go faster. But sometimes the truth hurts.

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Gluten Free

Sile: I was going to stop and pick up some sandwiches but then I thought to myself, "that little wench doesn't eat bread!"

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Annoying Song

Mitch: Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Jen: Yes. Actually I do wish my girlfriend was hot like you, Mitch. You have no idea how many times a day I think that.

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Man, Peer Pressure

Alison: I will be off the back from turn one.  My ego will take the beating for your upgrade.  Get Jo out there.  If I have to suffer, she does, too.

Delay

Arun: What's taking so long? The airplane was ready.
Rob: The squirrels are upset.

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Camping

Adam: Quick, take the last of the burger, put the guacamole on it and eat it so I don't have to.

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Dinosaurs

Chance: I'm not a paleo archeologist, but I'm also not a dumbass.

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Best. Friend. Ever.

Chuck, may you find sticks to chew and bunny rabbits to chase in doggie heaven. You will be missed.

Van 2239

Mitch: This is a gutless van. It has no balls. ZERO.

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Lazy

Jen: I'm still trying to figure out how to be lazy in these bike races.
Tim: Don't enter.

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Sequence

Don: Where are we headed next?
Jen: Hell Don, straight to Hell.
Don: Well, duh. But what's the intermediate step?

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TM on Sunday

Phil: How's your Sunday?
Mark: Just as good as Monday!
Don: No. It's $6.50 better!!

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Chocolate

Scott: We had to throw Silas in the shower because he was covered head to toe in chocolate.

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Iowa Storms

Scott: Cecil would not relinquish his chainsaw!

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Drool

Jen: Oh boy, you know what happens when Phil starts drooling.
Don: People start slipping.

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Kamakazios

Pio: That's what I meant by default.

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Sorry, Phil

Don: All part of Operation: No Fog Lights.

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Don's Fortune

You will die penniless and alone, with lots of cats.

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Naked Juice

Phil: Gently pasteurized? They rub its back while they pasteurize it. Very scientific.

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Meat Fest

Brad: That's just what I need, a big ol piece of meat slathered in sugar. Then I'll lay there like an anaconda and just let it ferment.

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Hangovers

Zana:  I wish I was a badass Honey Badger. Then I would be impervious to alcohol toxins.  And I wouldn't give a shit.

Miss-n-Out

Guy:  I saw you guys forming up at the back of the pack there and I was like, "huh, uhuh-huh, I know how this movie plays out."

Warm Up Circle

Sile:  Hey, get back on your side of the bed!

Dick's

LJ:  Take a look at Miller and take a look at me.  Then tell me who you thinks eats more burgers.

Work

Tim:  Does anyone work around this place?
Jen:  NO.  They just walk around asking stupid questions.

Team Sports

Zana: I'm heading to the track tonight to watch the races.
Jeny: Fabulous.  Then you can see me bitch-slap Alexie if she gets out of line again.
Zana: Why ELSE do you think I'm going?  FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
Jeny: Unfortunately, I don't think blood bounces on the track like it does on the ice.
Zana:  I wouldn't let that stop you.

Deterring Criminals

Phil:  You can buy bags of lady bugs online, I wonder if you can buy bags of black mamba snakes too.

Relationship Bookends

Adam:  I may have had her at "hello" but I lost her at "pigeons are tasty."

Dirt Cake

Jeny:  Hey Susan, you're from Wisconsin.  Do you know what dirt cake is?
Susan: No...  what is it?
Jeny: Basically crushed up oreos layered with chocolate pudding served in a plastic pot.
Susan:  Oh no Jeny, no no no no no no no!!!

Peebles

Pat: I ate sushi in Ohio. What risks did you take today?

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Dentist

Phil: I warned the girl that my tongue gets all crazy when it's full of novocaine.

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Yardwork

Dad: I worked outside too but I didn't shower because I'm a manly man.

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Mentorship

Jen: Who's Melissa?
Bernie:  Oh, um, yeah, she's the, uh, OTHER girl I'm helping write her thesis.
Jen: You two-timing son of a bitch.

Webex

Curtis: Can you guys keep it down over here? I'm trying to listen to this propaganda.

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Quinoa

Phil: What is it?
Jen: Quinoa. Kinda like rice.
Phil: Where's it from?
Jen: Africa?
Phil: Probably has ebola in it. If you turn into a monkey I'll know.

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Sloves

Dan:  Well, at least you're empathizing with a T-Rex right now.

Cribbage

Adam:  You wanna ice-axe me in the kidney?

Life After College

Jason: I've done my best phone interviews after a couple of beers.

Jen and John

Jen: What's in my pocket?
John: Phil's roll.
Phil: I need a break.
Jen: It's called retirement, Phil.

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Fitting data

Charlie: Why do it half assed when you can be a complete ass?

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Trident

Mark: Anyone else want some bean dip eraser?

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Love-Hate

John: That sounds like my relationship with eggs Benedict.

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Kettlebells

John:  No, Jen's Spiderman.  You're like Mosquito Girl.

One year

Paul:  I haven't seen cat poo in the garden in three hundred and sixty five days.

Epic Ales

Jan: Are they too cool for your brewery, sweetie?

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Old technology

Tim: No one answered my emails.
Joe:  Let's try the old-fashioned way.
Tim:  Carrier pidgeon?  Or... one if by land, two if by sea?
Joe:  Or the phone, let's just go back one century.

What's the plan?

Phil:  What's going on?  Are we going over there in a few minutes?
Jen:  I don't know.  I thought you were in charge of this operation.
Phil:  I'm eating a banana.

Eating habits

Phil: I try not to eat breakfast. I know what will happen. Beer is bad enough. You eat breakfast too and you're done for.

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Whoops

Tim: Uh oh. NASA crashed a rocket into the ocean.
Jen: What?
Tim: Yeah, that's not outer space.

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More TM fun

Phil: You know you can hypnotize pigeons that way.
Tim: Jesus Phil, why do you know that?

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Tuesday night trivia

Cole: I guess I shouldn't holler at bitties. I guess I shouldn't call them bitties either, huh?

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There's a difference.

Don: I'm not cynical, I'm just tired of this shit.

Measurements

Zana: I would like to impart my infinite metric imperial f*ck ton of wisdom here: boys are stupid.

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Pick up Lines

Rob:  Manny thinks I should get a tshirt that says "I'm a rocket scientist.  Wanna see my rocket?"  With an arrow pointing to my crotch.
Jen: Really?
Manny:  YEAH!!
Alexis: I bet that would be *really* successful.

Testing with Phil

Jen:  Phil!  If you don't shut up, we'll all be here 'til next Tuesday!  Quit running your mouth and go start the test.
Phil:  I'M HERE FOR SCIENCE!!!

Phil:  I think I have a utility that will do that.  But it's been so long since I've made a mistake I'll have to relearn how to use it.

Running Quote of the Day

Pat:  Helicopters with guns are ALWAYS better than helicopters without guns.

Apple Pie a la Phil

Phil:  I have to make an apple pie tonight.
Jen: Why?
Phil:  I don't know.  Because I make an apple pie once a week.  Keeps me busy.

Happy Birthday Bernie

Fred:  Oh, Bernie, it's your birthday?  How old are you?
Bernie:  18 + 21.
Fred:  Oooh, next year is the big one.  Are we doing anything?
Bernie:  Um, sure.  We can have cake!
Fred:  Oh, I thought maybe we'd go to Vegas.

Ignore Jason Mode

Jason:  Phil.  Hey Phil.  Phil!
Jen: Phil, Jason's calling your name.
Phil:  I don't care.
Jen: Did he piss you off?
Phil:  No.  Today I just don't care.

A chat with Zana

Jeny: I should be able to accommodate all the women, but you can't invite the boys because there is certainly not room.
Zana: Boys are not invited. They're stinky.
Jeny: And have cooties!
Zana: No shit.

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Back to Pax?

Mark:  Hi James... gee I sure do miss going to Pax.
Jen:  Can it, Miller!
Tim:  Mark, you lying sack of shit.
Mark:  Well, there's some folks sitting around me who don't feel the same way.

Birds

Joe:  Wait, why is it good luck?
Jeny:  I think that it's just something people say to make you feel better about a bird pooping on you.