Getting to know your new roommate.

Nickie: I'm pissed.
Jeny: That seems to be your usual state.

New Ordering System

Andy: We broke it.

Moving

Zoe: I'm moving at the end of January but I don't know where. It's my favorite version of a plan. 

Cucumber Storage

Nickie: Oh. This bag is inside out. 

Unexpected Desktop Behavior

Tim: You got this auto-reboot thing figured out yet?
Dave: It's a feature.
Tim: Can you make up for it with chocolate?

Still working that project.

Jason: Yeah, now they want to try to quiet it down, which will be really hard.  Especially if we don't have any hours.

Iron Deficiency

Tim: If only embalming fluid carried oxygen, it would be a good substitute for blood.

Did you bring me chocolate?

Tim: So our current little conundrum...
Jen: Is that I don't have any chocolate?
Tim: That's not a conundrum, that's a crisis.

Hormones

Mark: You have an aura of crankiness today.
Jen: I'm just PMS'ing hard.

Spirit of the Holidays

Wendy: This is the last week to adopt a senior.
George: I'm available!

Logical Conclusion

Nickie: I'm up seven pounds.
Jeny: My pants don't fit right now.
Nickie: Well, clearly -- we make each other fat.

Breakfast Order

Waitress: Do you want berries on your oatmeal?
Matt: Oh hell no. I hate berries and everything they stand for.

Ending the Pension

Jen: That's not really a good way to make flying machines.

Low Occupancy

Andy: You could fire a cannon off in the hallway and no one would even know.

Fertilizing an Idea

Pat: You can't simmer. Unless you mean sitting in the dark and plotting your revenge. Then yes, you're good at that.

Newlyweds

Alex: They are a hurricane of emotional terrorism.

Learning Java

Steph: I'm a genius.  That was beautiful.

Pick your battles.

Nickie: I pretty much dominated.  C'mon -- he's three.

Champagne at 5:30a

Jessie: I'm sad and drunk.

Final Project Risk Reduction

Dr. Ron: Well, they're not ALL wrong, but most of them do have a high degree of improvements to be made.

Airplane Fires

Tim: People really want their bags.
Ben: And people are nice enough to wait for them?
Tim: That's where the yelling comes in.
Ben: I think I'd quickly escalate to trampling.

High Viz Clothing

Briana: I'm just reminding people how to stay alive.  Sans disco.

Getting Stood Up

Sean: Did you invite me to a happy hour you're not coming to?
Alex: Why yes, yes I did do that. #oops

Advanced HP35670

Patrick: I'm still trying to figure out how to address the USB port.
Jen: Does it not respond to Sir USB?  I'm pretty sure it was knighted.

Busted Ankle

Trey: I'm your one-legged man.  Are you ready for the ass kicking contest?

GCF

Mark: He's a turd that will rise to the surface over and over.

Foam Chair Pillows

Mark: If I fart on them, I can throw them out.
Tim: Why wait?

Joe's Head

Ben: This guy needs a bump cap, because I found out yesterday he's had seven concussions.
John: All since you started working here?

Caryn Davies

Susanna: She's MAN FAST!

Baby Boomer Tendencies

Susanna: So do you have a sports car, then?
Stacie: Oh yeah.  If by "sports car" you mean "Honda Fit."

HOCR Course

Stacie: So... two bridges, then it's one mile down...
Susanna: Is that going to be inspiring to you... or soul crushing?

Age Bracket

Susanna: You're not a baby boomer, you're Generation X. 

Stacie: I'm on the edge. I could have tendencies!

Sitting on a bouncy ball.

Trey: Do you want to know what happens when I get core strength? No. You don't.

Extra Latte

Rich: Ben won the coffee lottery, at which point Tim grabbed it and drank half while Ben had a bewildered look on his face.

Am I the sister you never wished you had?

Zoe: You're so distracting.
Margot: I haven't said anything to you in several minutes!

Culture to Performance

James: I don't know how much exposure you guys have had...
Kate: We want zero.

Processes

Toby: I was thinking the secret loophole would be buried on page 14 or 15, but nope -- there it is on page one.

Knife

Steve: You kill any wild animals with that lately?
George: Just pulled a liver out of a bear.

4th Grade Halloween Costume

Jeny: Is that when you had to shank a bitch for calling you George Washington?
Zana: Oh no. That was FIRST grade, and he deserved it.

NBD

Ann: I've dealt with moody boys before.

Alarm Clock Feelings

Nickie: I'm pissed.  It's morning again.

Signature

Tim: What the hell is that?
Jen: There is very clearly a "J" at the beginning and a very clear crossing of the T's at the end.
Tim: Riiiiight.

Name Plate

Briana: I found Martin in my toolbox.

Because we're adults.

Jeny: I had chocolate ice cream and mint tea for dinner.  And now I'm going to bed.
Nickie: I'm going to have chips.

Prescribed Software

Dr. Ron: If you know SysML and you were hoping to use it... you can adapt.

Guac Hero

Greg: I found a lime.  I have saved the guac.  I am a hero.

Heritage

Nickie: I come from a long line of people who pee outside. 

Bioterroism

Regan: Everyone is worried about anthrax. What they should be worried about is toddlers. 

Leadership

Chance: Everyday starts with the decision of who I'm going to disappoint. 

Caffeine -> Heroin

Bernie: I can't drink caffeine after noon, or I'll be up all night.  It's like that iced tea I just had at lunch.  It's so good -- I don't know what they put in it.
Brandon: Heroin.
Jen: [snorts coffee out nose]
Brandon: But it's organic heroin, fair trade -- the good stuff.  It's from PCC.

Shit Trump Says

Pat: Less stress about nukes in Iran? Eh, whatever. It didn't lower my tax bill so I don't give a f--k.

Substitute launch driver.

Hannah: I'm heavily medicated right now so I can help with whatever you need. 

Shower Coffee

Jen: It's almost as good as a shower beer.
Dave: But it's not quite 8am.

Fish Stories

Laura: I was at the library...

Jeny: This sounds dangerous.  

Accounting Math

Steph: The amount of cheese I eat is not linear.  

Olfactory Sense

John: I accused Hannah yesterday of using Jet A perfume. 

Physics

Margot: I just sinusoidaled in my pants. 

Pie charts in Excel

JPK: Scoot over, let me mansplain this to you. 

BBQ Shopping at Costco.

Marty: Hey Ann -- nice buns.

Coming back as a Contractor

Tim: What silly-ass nonsense is that?

Fundraiser

Kate: I have Boy Scout popcorn if anyone wants any. And if not...

Dave: Buy some anyway. 

Morning Temperature

Dave: It's warmer than I thought out here. I'm like, actually sweating. 

Sarah: That's called working out, Dave. 

Morning row

Old lady #1: The guys did a hard erg piece. But Julie is fresh. What have you done this morning?

Old lady #2: Got out of bed. 

Ugggghhh!

Margot: You're having zucchini rage. 

Maturity

Suzanne: We're 34. There's no excuse for non-snuggling. 

Gaia

Pat: All this time, we thought we were buying her love with steak, but she was stealing our hearts. 

Jen: And she still got the steak. 

My foot!!

Joe: I am a competent homemaker.  

Partial Information

Bernie: All I'm saying is that dBA doesn't tell you the whole picture.
Jen: It only tells you A picture!

Explosion on video.

Kate: Aren't they the ones pushing the envelope more than we are?
Steve: Kinda looks like it.

Morale

Jen: All we have is hope.
Meredith: I thought all we had was snark and bad attitudes.

Six finance people.

John: You won't believe how many incompetent people are in these meetings.
Meredith: No, I think we can.

Employee of the Month

Trey: I took out the recycling.
Jen: It's about time you did something useful around here.

Sailing

Tim: If I wasn't there, they would have had a situation.

Is that a dog in there?

Margot: I love Gaia so much.  I want to put her in a papoose and wear her everywhere.

Joe & Mel Brooks Films

Pat: How are you friends with him??

Trey: He came into my life all mass spring dampers and no leakage!!!

8 mile run

Pat: I suffered biblically. 

Sustenance

Dave: I run on rocket fuel -- I run on fried shit. 

Tugs are not fork lifts.

Meredith: Also, apples are not oranges.  FYI.

Dynamic Feedback

Bruce: Rick came down and walked the labs and we showed him all the stupid that was going on.

Volleyball

Charlie: I'm going to pour some wine and see what happens. 

Lettuce Wrap

Toby: Can I write you a CAM for insulting my tastebuds?

Honesty

Toby: How's it going?

Jen: Shitty. Got any other questions?

Baby Nightmares

Joe: This is not what I wanted to hear...
Becky: When your sister gets pregnant, you'll have these dreams too.

Dumb Decisions

John: We're shooting ourselves in the foot. 

Dave: I'd say a little higher. 

John: I was trying to be nice for Jen's sake. 

Jen: It's cute that you still think of this as "mixed company."

Friday Meetings

Steve: I'm going to go get a Diet Pepsi, unless you brought a growler. 

LMS Training

Joe: That was fun.
Jen: Are you lying to me?
Joe: No, I was being sarcastic.  There's a difference.

Augmenting Passive-Aggressiveness

Mark: I try to lie everyday; it's good for my blood pressure.

Hypoallergenic

Joan: You might want to look into getting Brett altered or removed. 

Matt's early arrival.

Zoe: Why are you here ruining our day?

#signedupforshit

Zana: Hooo boy, Chance is going to regret doing whatever was more important than this.

Reading Tapes

Mark: Did you ask him about the Sony's?
Pat: Oh god.

Candy Bar Love

Mark: What ever happened to Mrs. Goodbar?

Tim: What if she's buried in the backyard?

Becky: GASP!! Why would she ever marry such a terrible person?

Sliding Scale

Becky: How crazy are you on a scale of one to bat shit?

Group Yawning

Becky: I thought we agreed that Tim was the sociopath. 

Get that man his stapler.

Rich: What will you do if they cancel your VLO?
Tim: I'll set the building on fire.

Energy Level

Jen: I am on the struggle bus today. 

George: Better than under the bus. Bump bump. 

On showering...

Tim: If you wash too much, your skin wears off.

Past Life

Andi: Son, I wasn't going to tell you this. But I used to be a mermaid. 

Summer knew that first.

Lilly: That shooting star you're wishing on could actually be an astronaut turd. 

Cell phone activation

Tim: It seems to contact the server best if it's sitting on a cactus.