Negotiating Skills

John: I'm negotiating with my team and now I have to go buy beer.

Consolation

Jen: I'll text you after a couple beers tonight.
Steve:  I'm two weeks beyond that weak stuff.

The Presentation

John: Where do you have this thing?
Frank: On my desktop, so you better be nice to me.

Boxers or Briefs?

Mark: He says it will take time to work a budget number.  WTF.  It should be on a list somewhere at his desk.  He is probably still in his underwear working from home and can't find it until he puts on his glasses.

Methods of Travel

Ben: I thought you were going to ninja roll.
Rich: I'm too old to ninja roll.

Candy

George: Anybody want some ibuprofen?

Realization

Keith: Oops, I dropped my banana somewhere.

Final Exam

Steve: You have to pay a toll upon exiting this class. 

Muffins in the Oven

Aditi: You're not supposed to say such things!

Implementing Order Tracking

Tim: It brings on a very strong munch reflex.

Shipping Focal

Tim: I made the mistake of telling him the truth.

Process

Jim: Stop laughing. 

Aim High

John: I've been shot down before.  I know how to go down in flames.

Cooking together.

Chance: I like being sous chef because I don't have a vision in the kitchen and I like using knives. 

Panic Moment

Rich: Did you hear? Ben's brake cable came loose and wrapped itself around the axle on his way home last night.
Ben: Yeah.  The brakes stopped working at that point.

Watch out for that one.

Anne: Hey, I'm behaving!
John: You don't even know what that word means.

LSOS

John: Why do you lie?
Amy: Because it makes me popular.

Prof

Steve: I know I talk fast, but it helps to listen fast.

Hit the button, Bobby.

Bobby: I don't have an "easy" button.  I have an "other" button.

Kitty Accident

Pat: The cat was thinking outside the box. 

JGK

Anne: Well, he's going to have a really big problem.  Named me.

Retirement

Anne: You're like 35, right?  You're going to be here for another 20 years!
Jeff: And you're like 6, right?

Bike Shop Treats

Gaia: There are two classes of things in here: cookies and not-cookies.

Safety Zombies

Jay: I was slammed with EHS folks.  They came from every corner: Enterprise EHS, BT&E EHS, IASL EHS, etc.

Management Hierarchy

Jen: I assume I overstepped my bounds and will find a pink slip on my desk come morning. 

Dave: Somehow I don't think their plans for you will be as quick or painless as a simple pink slip. 

Wardrobe choice

Jen: I'm going running. 

Becky: Girl, not in those boots!

Autumn

Mark: The sky is blue and I can feel fall is on the way.  I love this time of year.  Things are starting to rot.

I am invincible!

Ryan: Everyone else was in the best shape of their lives.  I ran stairs once in April.

Resort at Camp Muir

Ryan: I didn't have to poop in a bag for the whole week!

Found a body!

Patrick: I'm in a good mood. We have an AOG. 

Jen: You're like a sick homicide detective. 

Level 4

Toby: This is retroactive punishment for me. 

Morning liquids.

Katie: I only hydrate with caffeine before nine. 

CST-100 Testing

Adam: I remember the old days, when you just put a monkey in it.

R&M Spending

Jim: This is a stupid chart. 

Incompetence Competition

Jen: I think Finance and Transportation are trying to see who can do their job worse.
Dave: What about IT?

Constant

Jen: What's gravity -- 32 feet per second per second?
Mark: 32.174.

Ha ha!!

Mitch: ...because I was scheduled for vacation over the weekend.

Treats

Jen: Do you want a cupcake?
Mitch: That is a silly question.

Team Shout Outs

Trey: I think she wants us to praise each other. 

Third Row Seat

Mike: This reminds me of my high school days!

Upcoming Testing

Tim: November is rapidly approaching.
Ben: Isn't it approaching at the usual rate: one second per second?

Miller Lite

Andrew: I do love cheap beer. 

Casino Winnings

Andrew: I'd offer to tip, but I only have large bills. 

Screen door. Soap bottle. Towel rack.

Andrew: Why can't I figure out anything?

And I was hungry.

Regan: There's Jell-O shots and then there's tequila Jell-O shots. 

Friends in Canmore

Regan: When in doubt, get the international plan and call Regan. 

Thanks, ass.

Ben: You guys way overdid it last night.

Distinction

Steve: I actually like going to work!  It's the arriving at work that then goes south.

Woman of my dreams.

Bob: I've moved on. To Rachel Myers. 

Andrew: I've heard about Rachel. Much better choice. 

Bob: Yeah. On account of her not being married. 

Roommate & Guest

Bob: You wanna play a joke on Zana?

Andrew: No. I don't want to get the shit beat out of me. 

Bachelorette

Niki: I'm getting the ball and chain tattooed on my neck!

Busted Kickstand.

Adam: My only concern is I'm going to burn my pants...

F2F

Tiran: Can't we just go to sleep?

Tim: Multitasking makes you stupid. 

Quality Leader

Dan: You'll notice that Marshall's shirt is always untucked a little. It's so Steve can grab the tails and hang on. 

Threshold has been established.

Jen: I was so mad I tweeted about it. 

Navigation at Pax

Becky: I knew you followed a road somewhere...

Gang of Old Timers

Evan: Hey, don't beat me up and take my lunch money. 

Delegate.

Matt: Can you cover for me in PtP Monday?
Jen: Sure.  I'll be there anyway.  Hopefully we won't disagree on anything so I don't have to argue with myself.
Matt: Oh, I do that all the time.  Sometimes I even win!

Everything is Terrible.

Trey: That sounds like a crisis!
Jen: Everything is a crisis.  I'm not impressed.

Group Meeting

Jen: Hello.
Tim: Hi.
Rich: And that's when it all went downhill.

Hangry

Jeny: I miscalculated my snacks.

They were salty.

Jen: Gaia is kinda like the kid out in right field with her glove in the air. 

Chance: I was almost that kid. Except I was chewing on my glove laces and staring at the ground. 

LJ

Kelvin: I got respect for older people, but I'm telling you -- I will knock him out.

Strategic Council Haikus by Ed

                So much dialogue

                But so little accomplished

                Strategic Council

                Deep dive, synergize

                Strategize and optimize

                Z’s make me sleepy

                Stratus deck beats the

                PowerPoint deck every time

                The mountain is out

                Nouns morph into verbs

                Corporate speak trashes language

                English majors cringe

Processes

Don: We take shoddy processes to a whole new level. 

Mark: That's right -- every time time someone implements a bad process, we get a royalty. 

Frustrated

Joe: Uh oh. There goes Tom. I hope he doesn't slap anybody. 

Back to TM

Don: Well, wishful thinking didn't work. 

Grilling

Pat: Oh ok, so step one -- start a grease fire.

Pink Panty Droppers

Scott: Charlie and I are making mixed drinks. We'll need a fifth of vodka, a six pack of tall boys -- preferably Keystone Light...

Jeny: Oh, you are on your f--king own!

Washing and Rigging

Isabel: Is there anything that needs doing?

Jeny: The JV Boys need babysitting. 

Isabel: Anything else?

Guys coxing girls

Tim: I've never known a woman to respond well to a man yelling at her. 

Regionals

Riley: I think I'm just not going to go.

Test Levels

Don: 100 g's?! Where on the airplane is this thing?
Mark: Coach.

Overhead Budget

Brad: Your plan wasn't doable in January.  Now it's impossible.

Everyone calls it The Junk and who am I to judge?

Kaitlin: Coby, who told you to do this workout -- Satan??

Drives me nuts.

Becky: I can only handle being around nice Christian women once a month.  

Hot Yoga

Jason: Some people in there are pretzels. And Then there's the 50 year old fat man. 

Sales Guys

Steve: Do we look like finance people?

Crew

Jeny: Boys are dumb.

Lizzy: But attractive!

Communicating Clearly

Tony: I understand why they wouldn't allow kicking here at work, but punching?  We need to bring that back.
Jen: I'd settle for a classic face slapping.
Tony:  Nothing says clear communication like a good ol' crack across the lippers.

Jellyfish Boss

Mark: He's the spine inside the jelly.

Misinterpretation

Adam: I was getting gas in Tacoma yesterday...

Pat: Did you eat too much broccoli?

Victim vs. Creator

Melody: I threw my rock out the window.
Pete: I hope it didn't hit anyone!
Melody: I was trying.
Charles: I was too far away.

Vacation

Mark: Yeah, gonna go watch my wife get excited about Kenny Chesney's butt!

Toolbox

Andy: My son is the King of Duct Tape.

DYAC

Jeny: I think you texted me instead of your wife.

Coby: Oh shit. What did I say? ....  Charlie would like an Americano...  Wink wink. 

Squeaky Hedgehog

Adam: Gaia, that's a post coffee toy.

Hierarchy

Ed: Trust me, you weren't my first choice.

Regatta Day

Scott: I should have brought my vicoden. We could have had such a better time. 

New Career Path

Toby: I'm going to go bedazzle my cardboard sign for 2020.  Most people just use black sharpie.  I'm gonna put glitter on mine.

BOS

Nate: Maybe their top priority should be prioritization.

Unintended Burn

Earl: Mike, you're still a computing focal, right?
Mike: Yeah.
Earl: Well, all the good focals have moved on.
Mike: I can hear you!

Still Going 4 Zero.

Matt: I haven't heard anything about On the Move this year.  Does anyone know anything about it?
Steve: Too dangerous!

Merry Christmas Mug

Pete: I'm ahead of schedule!

Fire

Jen: Do you feel more manly?

Chance: Infinitely.

Board Shorts

Jen: These are cute. 

Chance: Oh! I didn't know I had a pocket. Wait, is this a pocket?

Jen: They're inside out. 

Chance: No wonder they were so hard to lace up!

Commute

Jen: How was your ride?

Patrick: I feel like hammered shit. 

Circuit

Jeny: How long you think this will take?

Lizzie: A million years. 

Email

Adam: How's work catch up going? Are you going to need to assasinate anyone tomorrow?

Jen: Yes. 

Adam: See -- I can tell when you grind your teeth. 

Darren

Adam: How many gold fish do you have in the freezer?

Chance: One. Which I admit is one more than the optimal number!