LJ

Kelvin: I got respect for older people, but I'm telling you -- I will knock him out.

Strategic Council Haikus by Ed

                So much dialogue

                But so little accomplished

                Strategic Council

                Deep dive, synergize

                Strategize and optimize

                Z’s make me sleepy

                Stratus deck beats the

                PowerPoint deck every time

                The mountain is out

                Nouns morph into verbs

                Corporate speak trashes language

                English majors cringe

Processes

Don: We take shoddy processes to a whole new level. 

Mark: That's right -- every time time someone implements a bad process, we get a royalty. 

Frustrated

Joe: Uh oh. There goes Tom. I hope he doesn't slap anybody. 

Back to TM

Don: Well, wishful thinking didn't work. 

Grilling

Pat: Oh ok, so step one -- start a grease fire.

Pink Panty Droppers

Scott: Charlie and I are making mixed drinks. We'll need a fifth of vodka, a six pack of tall boys -- preferably Keystone Light...

Jeny: Oh, you are on your f--king own!

Washing and Rigging

Isabel: Is there anything that needs doing?

Jeny: The JV Boys need babysitting. 

Isabel: Anything else?

Guys coxing girls

Tim: I've never known a woman to respond well to a man yelling at her. 

Regionals

Riley: I think I'm just not going to go.

Test Levels

Don: 100 g's?! Where on the airplane is this thing?
Mark: Coach.

Overhead Budget

Brad: Your plan wasn't doable in January.  Now it's impossible.

Everyone calls it The Junk and who am I to judge?

Kaitlin: Coby, who told you to do this workout -- Satan??

Drives me nuts.

Becky: I can only handle being around nice Christian women once a month.  

Hot Yoga

Jason: Some people in there are pretzels. And Then there's the 50 year old fat man. 

Sales Guys

Steve: Do we look like finance people?

Crew

Jeny: Boys are dumb.

Lizzy: But attractive!

Communicating Clearly

Tony: I understand why they wouldn't allow kicking here at work, but punching?  We need to bring that back.
Jen: I'd settle for a classic face slapping.
Tony:  Nothing says clear communication like a good ol' crack across the lippers.

Jellyfish Boss

Mark: He's the spine inside the jelly.

Misinterpretation

Adam: I was getting gas in Tacoma yesterday...

Pat: Did you eat too much broccoli?

Victim vs. Creator

Melody: I threw my rock out the window.
Pete: I hope it didn't hit anyone!
Melody: I was trying.
Charles: I was too far away.

Vacation

Mark: Yeah, gonna go watch my wife get excited about Kenny Chesney's butt!

Toolbox

Andy: My son is the King of Duct Tape.

DYAC

Jeny: I think you texted me instead of your wife.

Coby: Oh shit. What did I say? ....  Charlie would like an Americano...  Wink wink. 

Squeaky Hedgehog

Adam: Gaia, that's a post coffee toy.

Hierarchy

Ed: Trust me, you weren't my first choice.

Regatta Day

Scott: I should have brought my vicoden. We could have had such a better time. 

New Career Path

Toby: I'm going to go bedazzle my cardboard sign for 2020.  Most people just use black sharpie.  I'm gonna put glitter on mine.

BOS

Nate: Maybe their top priority should be prioritization.

Unintended Burn

Earl: Mike, you're still a computing focal, right?
Mike: Yeah.
Earl: Well, all the good focals have moved on.
Mike: I can hear you!

Still Going 4 Zero.

Matt: I haven't heard anything about On the Move this year.  Does anyone know anything about it?
Steve: Too dangerous!

Merry Christmas Mug

Pete: I'm ahead of schedule!

Fire

Jen: Do you feel more manly?

Chance: Infinitely.

Board Shorts

Jen: These are cute. 

Chance: Oh! I didn't know I had a pocket. Wait, is this a pocket?

Jen: They're inside out. 

Chance: No wonder they were so hard to lace up!

Commute

Jen: How was your ride?

Patrick: I feel like hammered shit. 

Circuit

Jeny: How long you think this will take?

Lizzie: A million years. 

Email

Adam: How's work catch up going? Are you going to need to assasinate anyone tomorrow?

Jen: Yes. 

Adam: See -- I can tell when you grind your teeth. 

Darren

Adam: How many gold fish do you have in the freezer?

Chance: One. Which I admit is one more than the optimal number!

Hot tub planning

Chance: I have hairy legs now!

Moto Maintenance

Jen: Did you check the tire pressure?

Adam: No, I got distracted by the bike being on fire. 

Silver Chain Link

Adam: It's like my chain didn't even move!

Jen: Maybe that's why you were so slow. 

Full Bladder

Adam: My whole world view is going to change after I pee. 

Finance

Jon: What do they even do all day?

Hair

Bernie: It's Just for Men!

Joel: Maple syrup works in a pinch too. 

Exhausted

Adam: Hey, I was on my best behavior all day yesterday for like six hours!

Who fixes problems?

Chance: When I say "the team" I mean "me."

Comparison

Pat: How'd the test go?

Mark: It was rough. You know, kind of like childbirth. 

Pat: No. I wouldn't know. 

500 jumpies

Corrie: I told you not to do that with the words out of my mouth, now your ass will remind you. 

Walking the bike.

Jen: Whatcha doin'?

Adam: I heard a funny noise. 

Jen: Zoom! You mean the sound of being passed??

Boeing vs. Jack in the Box

Steve: Are you suggesting we offer free tacos with our test services?

4 year old zinger.

Jeny: You can see the gondola through the fog.
Ethan:  Yeah.  Sorta.

Vendor Discussion

Mark: Is this making sense, or do we sound as inept as I think we might be?

Do I look like George Clooney?

Ed: You need to stop using the TV as a mirror. 

Hidden Talents

Gaia: I am the Walrus. 

Antsy

Jen: You need something to do. 

Adam: I'm roasting squash!!

That was the plan 5 hours ago!

Don: ALL WE NEED TO DO IS FIND THE F**KING MODE! 

Feeling Stabby

Jeff: My management won't let me have scissors. 

Prognosis

Tim: What's the prognosis?
Jen: Doom.
Mark: Fatal.
Tim: So, we're not getting out of this alive?

KGB GVT

Trey: Yes, Comrade, I love checklists.

Translation

Mark: SHIT. STORM.

Like that, but better.

Adam: Manatees from Heaven would crush the shit out of you. 

Who let Trey fly the airplane?

Mark: I had a dream that Trey was flying an airplane and it was crashing.

Identity

Ben: Can you still be a stripper if you share a name with a jet company?

Again.

Steve: You've lost control of your team.

Team Data Acq

Pat: So -- two people, who will remain nameless, were having a conversation about this here issue.  one of them asked what value to use and the other said either X or Y.  So I entered X. What you ACTUALLY said was here are two options; one is wrong. Choose wisely.  And I did not.

Ready?

Mark: Are we still imminent?
Tim: It appears I f**ked something up.

Unmarried Cameraman

Jen: I mean he's cute.  And he drives a Subaru.
Rich: You could save money and he could be the videographer at your wedding.
Jen: Wow, that escalated quickly.
Rich: Hey, we're not getting any younger.

VLO

George: You can't back fill a manager with an engineer, even though that is a promotion.
Jen: Is it though?  Is it?

A pint.

Rich: I found a text that said you ate an entire pint of ice cream.
Jen: This is probable, but unsubstantiated.
Mark: That's not that much ice cream.

Pat

Tim: He has a fabulous Cynicism Filter.  Highly tuned.  High Q.  Very fast.  Little delay.

Why are you here?

Tim: What is your purpose in life today?
Jen: Un-f**king what Miller did.
Pat: It's not possible.

Uncomfortable

Ben: It's better to be the hugger than the huggee.

Gonads

Chance: That would be a great name for a football team -- The Nads! Go Nads! Go Nads!

Biology

Chance: We are animals... So we should do it like the Discovery Channel. 

Love

Andrea: I like you because you wear wool on flannel.

Walker

Randy: It's Govenor Asshole in this household. 

Nightly News

Andrew: Bao Bao the panda is ok!

Hard Iced Tea

Mom: If you don't like that, I have Percocet. 

Baggage Claim

Andrew: I think the machine that tears the handles off the luggage broke so they're doing it by hand.

Phó

Andrea: Did you hear that? It was my stomach making laser sounds. 

While I haven't seen her do it...

Ewa: I know she's eating the carpet because there are holes in it and she poops carpet pieces. 

Rusty Bolt

Adam: What attitude does the bike have at rest?

Jen: Sassy!

Complete

Jeff: Does everyone know what 'conformity' means?

Morning booze consumption.

Kate: I was vertical and all my words were separated. 

Good thing it wasn't a tattoo.

Richard: This is what happens when you get your hair cut after four beers. 

Thanking the Fans

Dave: Well, you've had your fun. I gotta go. 

Trendy

Matt: That was sooo 600 emails ago.

Northwest Centric

Matt: If we sneeze, the rest of the capability gets a cold.

Playing nice.

Mark: MY BOX.  MY SAND.  MY TOYS.

Format Painter

Jim: I love that tool. Almost as good as velcro.

Bling

Chance: It's my kitten button; you wanna touch it?

Reboot

Caleb: Well, the computer gods have spoken and the meeting is adjourned. 

The Boss's Office

Trey: I'm downstairs, but I can come up.  Wait.  Am I in trouble?  If yes, I don't want to come up.

Instrumentation Racks

Tim: Furthermore, I think this door should be hinged on the right.  Or the left.

Applause

Jen: Why are we clapping?

Jay: Because I like it. They're finally getting off their asses and doing something worthwhile. 

More wine?

Barb: Can I get you anything?

Bill: I'm fine, thanks. 

Barb: Are you driving?

Bill: [looks at Mat's full wine glass] Apparently. 

Traffic

Jen: I went over to 15th, hoping for a clear shot on the viaduct, but it was a shit show all around.
Pat: It was more of a three day shit festival, not just one show.

Yeah, right.

George: [cough] Bullshit! [cough]
Pete: Yeah... I've had a cough for weeks.

Post Halloween

Jen: Miller has a literal cauldron of candy at his desk.

Agreement

Gary: It's better to confront Tim on a Monday morning before he gets too ornery.