M. L. E.

Jen: Why is she late everyday? How hard is it to be on time to your job?
Pat: But look how hard she tried today. She had no excuse yesterday.

Dinner

Phil:  I'm getting hungry.  I need a man's meal: a hotdog and some mustard.

Shift Change

Phil: So Mark went home and you get the overtime, huh?
Don: He charged it too.

Precarious

Adam: You know my life is in your hands. Just keep that in mind.
Jeny: I think now is a good time to have a conversation about where this relationship is going.

Saturday morning

Adam: What's wrong?
Jeny: I don't have any BACON!

Risk

Pat:  It's usually inconsequential. 
Don:  It's almost never catastrophic.

Not Mechanically Inclined

Pat:  I have no idea what kind of oil my car takes.  10W-40?  Is that a type of oil?  It could be olive oil.

FSR Advice

1.) Drive defensively.

2.) Always watch for f-ing deer to pop up out of the barrow pit. (Because they always do.)

3.) Especially at deer-thirty.

4.) Drive defensively.

5.) Because pumas leap across the roads too.  (At least in MT.)

Competition

Lisa: What? You think you were going to get taken out by a wherry?
Jeny: Hey, I know your tactics.

Iowa

Mary: Your dog pooped in your neighbor's yard and your neighbor's dog came over and pooped in your yard. That's just how it was!

Translation

Mark: You know how to say SDL in Spanish? Piñata.

Dressage

Kelly:  It's horse prancing.

Back in TM

James: Well you can't get bad data if you're not getting any data.

American What?

Don:  Your shirt doesn't have a picture of a crow shitting on something.
Justin:  Yeah - from the very popular store American Crow Shitting on Something.

Remote Testing

Tim:  I've not been in a situation where they have a meeting and no one is in charge, even those who are paying.
Jen:  Oh.  You do need me out there then.

Allergies

Jen:  I'm allergic to gold.
Mark:  Are you allergic to diamonds too?  That would probably make Adam pretty happy!

Plaid seats

Ted: Because it was cool in the 80's. For about four minutes.

New number scheme

Phil: Normally we just record channels umpty-squat to diddly-fret.

I meant beer.

Jen: I will buy you a six pack of whatever you want.
Adam: Blondes!

Inhibitions

Chance: I think the lizard brain is a lightweight!

Advice for Kids

Scott:  You're ok!  It'll feel better when it stops hurting.

That's What She Said

Adam:  I just can't get it up here.
Jen: [snort]
Chance:  You are such a dude!

August 6th

Jen: What do you have going on?
Tim: Defending the house from marauding teenagers.
Mark: Ha! I just join them.

Staffholes

Tim: It seems I get a headache earlier every day.

System checkout

Pat: Checkout? We just trouble shoot when things don't work.

Bourbon

Mom: Careful, the bottle spills when you pour it.
Jen: Amateur.

Reproducing

Andrew: I want to have 500k in the bank before I have a kid. You know, like paying up front.
Jen: Yeah, it costs like 280k to raise a kid.
Andrew: Good, then I can have two.

Family vacation

Mom: Thanks you guys, I really wanted a grown up picture.
Jennifer: Then you should have found some grown ups.

Vowels

Adam: They're funny that way, you can usually figure it out. Unless it's aardvark.

Desk Drawer

Gary:  Oh look!  There's a candy bar from 1960!

New Processes

Don: What could be simpler than doing nothing?  I'm the master at that.

Mimosas & Meat Snacks

Arthur: Table for four!!

Pedestrian traffic

Jo: I haven't been hit by a bus in a week!

Give chase.

Phil:  Soon you'll be old too and it'll be like two starfish chasing each other.

Pushy Sales People

Jen:  We've been surrounded!  LMS is over there and over there.
Mark:  Shoot 'em.

The Intern

Jen: Are you following me?
Justin:  Yeah.
Jen: I'm going to the girls' bathroom.
Justin: Be right there!

... And there you were

Hainz: Say it.
Jen: I was just thinking about you --
Hainz: I think about you every day.

Venn Diagram

Jen: You know, every time you're a jerk I go back to that venn diagram that says girls who are pretty, smart and funny only date assholes and I feel good about myself.
Adam:  I don't think that's quite how the chart was meant to be interpreted.

Not enough

Ben: You're making eight cupcakes?

Climbing partners

Adam: Boobies help.

Working together rant

Jen:  Stop asking us about lightning protection.  WE know what we're doing.  YOU don't know what you're doing, and I respect that, but WE do know what we're doing.

Bringing the right food.

Patrick:  Is that a sandwich?
Jen:  Yes.
Patrick:  Why is it NOT the almond cherry chocolate clusters?

Proving Yourself

John:  I'm confident, right?  I'm confident!!
Jen:  No, you're arrogant.
John:  Yeah, but how often am I wrong?

Go Team

Jen: How many of these guys also think you can get a baby in month by getting nine women pregnant?
Pat:  I first thought 75%, but then I challenged myself and came up with 100%.

Dangerous Kitchen

Adam:  Ow!  Did you see that?  Your fridge just PUNCHED me.

Identity

Eric:  Where's the pretty one?
Don:  I'm right here.
Eric:  No, the blonde one.
Don:  Oh!  You mean the one with the bad haircut.

Labor

Tim:  There's always narcotics.

Prevalence

Tim:  If you were to line up a hundred cakes, I bet you only two of them would be gluten free.

Timing

Jo:  Omg!! I just was checking email and you hadn't written --- and then magic boop - there it was!!!

Sweep Duration

Jen:  So this run will finish at midnight...
Tim:  With history as our guide, this run will finish at 11:58!

Drug Interactions

Jeny: What did we decide the rules were for mixing booze & antibiotics?
Zana:  Mix equal parts.  Pretty sure that was it.
Jeny:  That's what I thought.
Zana:  When in doubt, use two times alcohol to antibiotics.

Positioning

Tim:  Since you're sitting there, you want to be useful?
Don:  God no.  You think I want to ruin my perfect record?

Anti-Don

Don:  I can't see two channels on the same plot.
Tim:  I can. What's the matter with you?

Illegal Motorhome

Tim:  It must not be that important if he's taking his time to come arrest us.

Suspension Liquid

Tim: What's the sauce?
Jen: Balsamic vinegrette.
Tim:  Why hasn't it separated?
Jen:  I shook the hell out of it.  I am not gentle with my vinegrettes.
Tim:  I find that easy to believe.

Dosage

Adam:  Sure, enough ether would kill you.  Enough of anything would really.  Like Doritos.

Zombie Flutter

Peter: Any time is a good time for negative damping.

Meta Data

Phil: So I'm making these files for the staff. Is it appropriate to make the "location" field "somewhere over the rainbow"?

Food Not Wasted

Gary: Tim's had grey hair since grade school!
[Cookie flies across three cubes.]
Gary: Ow!  Flying ginger snaps!

IT Incompetence

Phil: Two Robs don't make a right!

Pearly Gates

Random Climber Woman: I don't know where the goats are. Normally they're hanging around... Eating my gear, smelling my pee.

Reaction

Adam: Why don't you wear your hair like that?
Jen: Really???
Adam: At least for the wedding.
Jen: [spits wine out nose]
Adam:  That had the desired effect.

Four Door Car

Jen: ... and I cleaned the bathrooms, and weeded the garden and made a big ass pot of soup.  It was a very domestic weekend.

Pat: You know, a few years ago, the only thing domestic about you was that you lived in a house.

Jim: Yeah, before you know it, you'll be selling that jeep and it will be all over.

Pat: Yep, and that's when we'll know that the pregnancy test came back positive.

Portraits

Jen: Who's that guy?
Pat: That's Leonardo DaVinci.  He used to work in the noise lab.

Surrender Monkeys

Roger:  We've been doing this silly French accent for so long that when I hear an actual French person speak, I say "oh, he does a really good one!"

Lunch

Tim:  Are you main-lining turkey?

If I had the credentials, I'd commit myself.

Zana: You said bye to Midway a while ago... status update please.
Jeny:  You're so full of donkeys.  There.  Better?
Zana:  Never another update necessary.
Jeny:  Adam told me that about five minutes ago and I spit my nut ball snack out my nose.
Zana:  You cannot say "spit a nut ball snack"... It just... hurts... too much.  Also, Adam was probably right.

Nomenclature

Jen: Would she be your wife and not "your wife" if you weren't married in drug court?
Don:  I didn't say bitch or ho or mama.
...
Don: I'm still getting used to that word.
Jen: What - ho?

Data Structure

Tim: This goes all the way back an arguement I lost in 1988!

Brown Turtle Party

Kid: Can I have some knives?
Harold: What for?
Kid: To dig up the bones.
Harold: How many do you need?
Kid: Four.
Niki: And you just GAVE HIM four knives?

Opportunity

Pat: Hey, Joe! Do I have a shit job for you.

Wiring

Jen: The he started hassling me about what we do for lightning protection.
Pat: We have that steel overbraid.  If we wrap it tightly around his neck, we won't hear about it again.

Windows Functionality

Joel:  If Bill Gates walked into my house right then, well one, I would have been shocked.  Two, he would have been shocked too because I would have beaten the shit out of him.  And his security team.

100% of the Market

Phil:  99% of the world is stupid, therefore Microsoft will make lots of money.

Hangover Legos

Zana: Why do your bones hurt when you have a hangover?
Jeny: Because hangovers build on each other.  That's why one a month is easier than 30 a month.

Cranky Waitress

Don: Does she need a stickectomy?
Joan: I've got a pair of vice grips in the car.

Drug Court Excuses

#8: I found something in the bathroom and didn't know what it was so I tasted it.

Weddings

Judge Greg: Believe it or not, not all couples I see are as happy as you.
John: Do you say, "see ya later?"

Power Outage

Ray: Yeah, that's just what we need. Great.

Salt Water

Adam: It will eat the sunglasses right off your face!

HNL-->MDY

Random Guy:  Where are you going?
Jeny:  Midway Island.
Random Guy's Girlfriend:  You're going to Chicago?!?

Remote Medicine

Adam: Please bring chocolate!

Distance Relationships

Adam: It's the abstinence talking!

Non Linear

Doug: If someone gives you autopowers and crosspowers, say thanks but no thanks, I'll go solve cancer.

Nerd Conference

Don:  I'm ready whenever you are...
Jen: Ok.
Don:  Let me rephrase that - finish your drink, NOW.

Church

Mom: Call if you need support.
Jennifer: I'll call Sunday morning so you can hear the service too.
Mom: I've always wanted to be saved.

Hallway Meeting

Jen: Hey sweetheart.
Phil:

Year in Review

Jen: Are you going to be concise?
Andy: Bwahahahahaha!

Fire Alarm

Ellen:  It's the f-ing old people making popcorn again!

EU Travel

Adam: My passport isn't from Berzerkistan, so it's FINE.

A Facebook Conversation

Lori:  Second snow day is starting by cuddling in bed with the dog while answering and sending emails and pondering if I can walk to the mailbox without falling A over T.
Jen: Me too!
Lori: It's CRAZY. I did manage to walk to the mailbox and saw a bus go sliding down 85th.
Jen: And if I had any doubts of still being in my pajama pants, you just eased them. Thank you.
Lori:  Your welcome. I'd invite you to my place for Madeleines and wine but wouldn't want you killing yourself going the five blocks!
Jen: I like that you're not inviting me over because it's "dangerous" and not becuase it's "too early."
Lori: Um...that's what mimosas are for. Come to the Dark Side my dear. I can justify anything.

Novice rowing

Niki: This man is steaming. Sign me up.

People watching

Dana: I don't usually think this city is fat. But then I change my mind.

Rope Swing

Pat:  It was tons of fun!! ...unless you fell.

Trebuchet

Don:  That's a good way to practice for the real world.  You get ahead when you spread the cheese.

Managing People

Katie: I don't usually make them cry.

Coconut

Mark: You got the data?
Jen: Hang on, I'm trying to poison Phil.
Mark: Oh yeah, gotta keep the priorities straight.

Roll Call

Mark: He's not a pilot, he's just a pain in the ass.

Drainage Ditch

Tim: Money is a good solution to that problem.

Cat Pushes Kitten Down Ladder

Andrew: Dad, now that you've found cat videos on the internet, your life will never be the same.