System checkout

Pat: Checkout? We just trouble shoot when things don't work.

Bourbon

Mom: Careful, the bottle spills when you pour it.
Jen: Amateur.

Reproducing

Andrew: I want to have 500k in the bank before I have a kid. You know, like paying up front.
Jen: Yeah, it costs like 280k to raise a kid.
Andrew: Good, then I can have two.

Family vacation

Mom: Thanks you guys, I really wanted a grown up picture.
Jennifer: Then you should have found some grown ups.

Vowels

Adam: They're funny that way, you can usually figure it out. Unless it's aardvark.

Desk Drawer

Gary:  Oh look!  There's a candy bar from 1960!

New Processes

Don: What could be simpler than doing nothing?  I'm the master at that.

Mimosas & Meat Snacks

Arthur: Table for four!!

Pedestrian traffic

Jo: I haven't been hit by a bus in a week!

Give chase.

Phil:  Soon you'll be old too and it'll be like two starfish chasing each other.

Pushy Sales People

Jen:  We've been surrounded!  LMS is over there and over there.
Mark:  Shoot 'em.

The Intern

Jen: Are you following me?
Justin:  Yeah.
Jen: I'm going to the girls' bathroom.
Justin: Be right there!

... And there you were

Hainz: Say it.
Jen: I was just thinking about you --
Hainz: I think about you every day.

Venn Diagram

Jen: You know, every time you're a jerk I go back to that venn diagram that says girls who are pretty, smart and funny only date assholes and I feel good about myself.
Adam:  I don't think that's quite how the chart was meant to be interpreted.

Not enough

Ben: You're making eight cupcakes?

Climbing partners

Adam: Boobies help.

Working together rant

Jen:  Stop asking us about lightning protection.  WE know what we're doing.  YOU don't know what you're doing, and I respect that, but WE do know what we're doing.

Bringing the right food.

Patrick:  Is that a sandwich?
Jen:  Yes.
Patrick:  Why is it NOT the almond cherry chocolate clusters?

Proving Yourself

John:  I'm confident, right?  I'm confident!!
Jen:  No, you're arrogant.
John:  Yeah, but how often am I wrong?

Go Team

Jen: How many of these guys also think you can get a baby in month by getting nine women pregnant?
Pat:  I first thought 75%, but then I challenged myself and came up with 100%.

Dangerous Kitchen

Adam:  Ow!  Did you see that?  Your fridge just PUNCHED me.

Identity

Eric:  Where's the pretty one?
Don:  I'm right here.
Eric:  No, the blonde one.
Don:  Oh!  You mean the one with the bad haircut.

Labor

Tim:  There's always narcotics.

Prevalence

Tim:  If you were to line up a hundred cakes, I bet you only two of them would be gluten free.

Timing

Jo:  Omg!! I just was checking email and you hadn't written --- and then magic boop - there it was!!!

Sweep Duration

Jen:  So this run will finish at midnight...
Tim:  With history as our guide, this run will finish at 11:58!

Drug Interactions

Jeny: What did we decide the rules were for mixing booze & antibiotics?
Zana:  Mix equal parts.  Pretty sure that was it.
Jeny:  That's what I thought.
Zana:  When in doubt, use two times alcohol to antibiotics.

Positioning

Tim:  Since you're sitting there, you want to be useful?
Don:  God no.  You think I want to ruin my perfect record?

Anti-Don

Don:  I can't see two channels on the same plot.
Tim:  I can. What's the matter with you?

Illegal Motorhome

Tim:  It must not be that important if he's taking his time to come arrest us.

Suspension Liquid

Tim: What's the sauce?
Jen: Balsamic vinegrette.
Tim:  Why hasn't it separated?
Jen:  I shook the hell out of it.  I am not gentle with my vinegrettes.
Tim:  I find that easy to believe.

Dosage

Adam:  Sure, enough ether would kill you.  Enough of anything would really.  Like Doritos.

Zombie Flutter

Peter: Any time is a good time for negative damping.

Meta Data

Phil: So I'm making these files for the staff. Is it appropriate to make the "location" field "somewhere over the rainbow"?

Food Not Wasted

Gary: Tim's had grey hair since grade school!
[Cookie flies across three cubes.]
Gary: Ow!  Flying ginger snaps!

IT Incompetence

Phil: Two Robs don't make a right!

Pearly Gates

Random Climber Woman: I don't know where the goats are. Normally they're hanging around... Eating my gear, smelling my pee.

Reaction

Adam: Why don't you wear your hair like that?
Jen: Really???
Adam: At least for the wedding.
Jen: [spits wine out nose]
Adam:  That had the desired effect.

Four Door Car

Jen: ... and I cleaned the bathrooms, and weeded the garden and made a big ass pot of soup.  It was a very domestic weekend.

Pat: You know, a few years ago, the only thing domestic about you was that you lived in a house.

Jim: Yeah, before you know it, you'll be selling that jeep and it will be all over.

Pat: Yep, and that's when we'll know that the pregnancy test came back positive.

Portraits

Jen: Who's that guy?
Pat: That's Leonardo DaVinci.  He used to work in the noise lab.

Surrender Monkeys

Roger:  We've been doing this silly French accent for so long that when I hear an actual French person speak, I say "oh, he does a really good one!"

Lunch

Tim:  Are you main-lining turkey?

If I had the credentials, I'd commit myself.

Zana: You said bye to Midway a while ago... status update please.
Jeny:  You're so full of donkeys.  There.  Better?
Zana:  Never another update necessary.
Jeny:  Adam told me that about five minutes ago and I spit my nut ball snack out my nose.
Zana:  You cannot say "spit a nut ball snack"... It just... hurts... too much.  Also, Adam was probably right.

Nomenclature

Jen: Would she be your wife and not "your wife" if you weren't married in drug court?
Don:  I didn't say bitch or ho or mama.
...
Don: I'm still getting used to that word.
Jen: What - ho?

Data Structure

Tim: This goes all the way back an arguement I lost in 1988!

Brown Turtle Party

Kid: Can I have some knives?
Harold: What for?
Kid: To dig up the bones.
Harold: How many do you need?
Kid: Four.
Niki: And you just GAVE HIM four knives?

Opportunity

Pat: Hey, Joe! Do I have a shit job for you.

Wiring

Jen: The he started hassling me about what we do for lightning protection.
Pat: We have that steel overbraid.  If we wrap it tightly around his neck, we won't hear about it again.

Windows Functionality

Joel:  If Bill Gates walked into my house right then, well one, I would have been shocked.  Two, he would have been shocked too because I would have beaten the shit out of him.  And his security team.

100% of the Market

Phil:  99% of the world is stupid, therefore Microsoft will make lots of money.

Hangover Legos

Zana: Why do your bones hurt when you have a hangover?
Jeny: Because hangovers build on each other.  That's why one a month is easier than 30 a month.

Cranky Waitress

Don: Does she need a stickectomy?
Joan: I've got a pair of vice grips in the car.

Drug Court Excuses

#8: I found something in the bathroom and didn't know what it was so I tasted it.

Weddings

Judge Greg: Believe it or not, not all couples I see are as happy as you.
John: Do you say, "see ya later?"

Power Outage

Ray: Yeah, that's just what we need. Great.

Salt Water

Adam: It will eat the sunglasses right off your face!

HNL-->MDY

Random Guy:  Where are you going?
Jeny:  Midway Island.
Random Guy's Girlfriend:  You're going to Chicago?!?

Remote Medicine

Adam: Please bring chocolate!

Distance Relationships

Adam: It's the abstinence talking!

Non Linear

Doug: If someone gives you autopowers and crosspowers, say thanks but no thanks, I'll go solve cancer.

Nerd Conference

Don:  I'm ready whenever you are...
Jen: Ok.
Don:  Let me rephrase that - finish your drink, NOW.

Church

Mom: Call if you need support.
Jennifer: I'll call Sunday morning so you can hear the service too.
Mom: I've always wanted to be saved.

Hallway Meeting

Jen: Hey sweetheart.
Phil:

Year in Review

Jen: Are you going to be concise?
Andy: Bwahahahahaha!

Fire Alarm

Ellen:  It's the f-ing old people making popcorn again!

EU Travel

Adam: My passport isn't from Berzerkistan, so it's FINE.

A Facebook Conversation

Lori:  Second snow day is starting by cuddling in bed with the dog while answering and sending emails and pondering if I can walk to the mailbox without falling A over T.
Jen: Me too!
Lori: It's CRAZY. I did manage to walk to the mailbox and saw a bus go sliding down 85th.
Jen: And if I had any doubts of still being in my pajama pants, you just eased them. Thank you.
Lori:  Your welcome. I'd invite you to my place for Madeleines and wine but wouldn't want you killing yourself going the five blocks!
Jen: I like that you're not inviting me over because it's "dangerous" and not becuase it's "too early."
Lori: Um...that's what mimosas are for. Come to the Dark Side my dear. I can justify anything.

Novice rowing

Niki: This man is steaming. Sign me up.

People watching

Dana: I don't usually think this city is fat. But then I change my mind.

Rope Swing

Pat:  It was tons of fun!! ...unless you fell.

Trebuchet

Don:  That's a good way to practice for the real world.  You get ahead when you spread the cheese.

Managing People

Katie: I don't usually make them cry.

Coconut

Mark: You got the data?
Jen: Hang on, I'm trying to poison Phil.
Mark: Oh yeah, gotta keep the priorities straight.

Roll Call

Mark: He's not a pilot, he's just a pain in the ass.

Drainage Ditch

Tim: Money is a good solution to that problem.

Cat Pushes Kitten Down Ladder

Andrew: Dad, now that you've found cat videos on the internet, your life will never be the same.

Efficiency

Pat: I'm working on 40% organization. That's about all I've got.

Twitter

Tim:  I never thought I'd subcribe to Twitter.  Turns out there's actually a use for the silly thing.

Sunday Night on Midway

Adam: We can talk any time, but if I don't get to bowling early, I won't get my lane!

Brown Turtle Cats

Mary: I'm hungry so I'll pick a fight with my girlfriend.

OD

Jen: You can't overdose on meat.

Hair Styles

Jeny:  I'm getting my hair colored in the morning, but I probably won't do anything too drastic, because I probably won't keep going in every six weeks to keep it up.
Adam:  You won't?  This relationship is so over.
Jeny:  Well, I mean... wait, really?

Green Bay Game

Dad:  Look at that, look at that!  They just let that guy take a 45-mile yard run!

A Drink

Grandma: Do you have any hard liquor?

Midway Physique

Adam:  You're not even gonna recognize me.  I'll be so round and plump.

11 from 2011

Top Eleven Things I learned in 2011:
1. Just because you're really good friends doesn't mean you would make a really good couple.
2. Expectations can ruin just about anything.
3. A couple of glasses of Chianti and shoes that make you feel sexy are a winning combination.
4. Pick you battles.  Compromise, but don't announce that you just did.
5. Love & accept people for all that they are.  Your idea of "perfect" doesn't exist - not even in yourself.
6. A first date that leaves you giddy for days is probably the start of something good.
7. Throw out your to-do list for a while.  All those things will be waiting for you when you get back.  Drink champagne, make a mess of the kitchen, stay up late, sleep in, snuggle, relax... just be.
8. Grief doesn't go away.  It hides under the surface and the right combination will bring it out and you'll be sitting in the locker room at work, unexpectedly crying your eyes out.
9. Dogs are mortal beings.  And losing one sucks.  They truly do become members of the family.
10.  Hearing your parents cry is one of the hardest things in the world.
11. You don't need to win to prove something.  But it sure does help.

SDL with Beer

Tim:  You're giggling again.
Jen:  You're TALKING again.

Juxtaposition

Jen: Did you just use "good" and "flight test person" in the same sentence?
Pat: Yes, that good FT person is hanging out with the unicorns and leprachauns.

Muscles

Pat: That was when I was 18 - I was more defined than Webster's dictionary.

Chain of Command

Joe:  You must rank higher than me, I didn't get that email yet.
Mark: I do.

Meetings

Patrick: What the F---.  This is a waste of time.

Seriously

Adam:  I'm a professional!  Professional what?  Professional marmot farmer!

Summer

Lauren: I need to stay north of the Mason Dixon Line.
Kelly:  You mean the IHOP-Waffle House line?
Lauren: Yeah, fat kids don't do heat well.

Heritage

Kelly:  Oh yes, I am Polish.

This Is What We Call A Healing Crisis

Don:  I looked at my socks and I nearly cried.

Midway

Adam: Part of my job is making sure the tsunami shelther is ready.

Identity

Mark:  Master Mangus.  Alias - Evil Genius.

Coup

Jen:  Did you tell Gary that I tried (but failed) to stage that coup yesterday?  He's not answering any of my emails now.
Don:  I just told him you hated him.  I didn't mention the coup.

Kelvin

Don:  That guy walks around with his own Barry White soundtrack.

IT Guy

Mark:  Asking Rob to do any work is like asking my cat to help do the laundry.